Relationship Perspectives and Peace with God
No man on earth is an island, and no matter where you are, who you are, or what you want, you must relate or have a connection with other people. Hence, the term “Relationship” describes the extent or degree of connection between people or parties. It suggests either intimacy or casual connection in the process or level of three main factors that determine relations: communication, togetherness and shared value. These three factors determine the connection that promotes good relationships.
Relationships that are common to people include: Family; friendships; love; work; social; economic; religious; political. That is why the human society is controlled by the interplay of human relationships. Where love and peace among people exists, there is fellowship, which is the experience of ‘journeying together’ and making progress together. But, where the opposite occurs, unresolved conflicts and crises will often result, especially because of issues bordering on lack of connection.
Our heavenly Father loves to see people generally, and particularly believers getting along peacefully and lovingly. This is despite our very obvious differences in nature, knowledge, disposition, attitudes, viewpoints, experiences, interests and motivations. As a matter of fact, He measures our love for Him by the love we have for others, and not merely by our religious activities in church (1 John 4:20 – 21).
Furthermore, our Lord, Jesus Christ pointed out that many prayers may suffer the risk of being hindered whenever there is Unforgiveness, especially when we fail or refuse to forgive people that offend us. In other words, there cannot be true and acceptable worship of God when we are in strained relationships and unresolved conflicts with people.
It is worth noting that our relationships with others actually reveal the level and truth of our true conversion as born again Christians. That is who the new man in Christ is, as revealed by our disposition in this area. Furthermore, the Word of God enlightens us that the most practical way to give to God, is to give to other people in need. That is how we relate in love, and show God that we understand His views on relationships.
Please note that our judgmental and hypocritical attitude in this regard only frustrates our best efforts at gaining God’s favour. A right relationship with God on the other hand brings the peace of God. And, this peace of God is assured by the peace with God, which in turn flows from peace with man.
Understanding Three Major Types and Nature of Relationships
1. Promotional Relationships
In a promotional relationship, at least one party is elevating the other, while also benefiting from the activity of elevating or promoting the other party. In this type or nature of relationship, the benefits accruing to both parties are not usually equally distributed at every stage of the relationship, but at the same time, there is the situation of shared values and mutual benefits, which ensures that both parties are happy, without one party feeling cheated, exploited, abused or dominated.
Common examples are relationships such as: mentor – protégé; pastor – congregation; teacher – pupil; father – son; Jesus Christ – The Church. In all of these examples, there evidently a higher or greater level of giving than receiving from the ‘senior’ party in the relationship, but the senior party still exhibits the feelings of joy, achievement, and fulfilment, especially when the ‘junior’ party or the receiver is not only grateful, but shows that what was received can be repaid in one way or the other.
2. Partnership Relationships
In a partnership relationship, each party is giving virtually as much as is being received in a collaborative or joint venture. This is the synergistic and actively symbiotic relationship of mutual interdependence, so that each party grows and moves along almost at equal or similar pace. This is almost like a 50:50 type of relationship.
The context, purpose and aim of partnership relationships relate essentially to parties in the relationship complementing one another, in order to achieve a common goal. And, even though there could still be a more senior partner in one way or the other, for practical purposes, there is more of near equal benefits. A partnership relationship is therefore based on trust, truth and transparency, for it work. It is one of teamwork relationship, where synergies are exploited. Examples are good and happy marriages, successful business joint ventures, and most successful team sports.
3. Parasitic Relationships
In a parasitic relationship only one party is benefiting from the relationship, while the other party is suffering and losing value at the advancement of the “parasite”. This is evidently a toxic and poisonous relationship. What is often manifested in the relationship is abuse, lies, manipulation, distrust, crisis, conflicts, oppression, hatred, dissent, etc. Thus, in most parasitic relationships, there is the dominating and fleecing party, while the other party is the victim.
The dominating and fleecing party, being the parasitic party tends to thrive solely by taking from the victim, while the victim merely survives, but never ever thrives, so long as the relationship exists. This rapacious relationship is one that stifles growth, development and full expression of self and potentials. It is rather unfortunate that such relationships even exist among believers and in the Body of Christ. It is an aberration and not what God has ordained for any relationship involving Christians.
General Relationship Stages
- The Early Stage –Sweet/Bitter/Curious/Cautious/Confusing/Learning
- The Crisis Stage –Assertiveness/Conflicts/Strong opinions/Irritations
- The Survival Stage –Understanding/ Standards/Adjustments/Tolerance
- The Growth Stage –Communication/Trust/Cohesion/Loyalty.
- The transforming Stage –Power of unity and love (1: 1000; 2:10,000).
Our goal as Christians is to trust God to get us to the Performing and Transforming Stages of great relationships.
Some Personality Characteristics to Note in Promoting Relationships
- Dominant People
Dominant people are usually so self-conscious and assertive that they often become arrogant, forceful and controlling. They are decisively competitive, and become restless and temperamental when they cannot have their way. Dominant people are generally difficult to deal with, largely because such people hardly listen to or seek other people’s views, and almost always want immediate results no matter the challenges. One way to deal with Dominant People is to confront them aggressively and refuse to back down. This is best done privately where possible rather than publicly. This will often expose their weaknesses, and hurt their egos, but may help them to slow down, and be more circumspect.
- Influential People
Influential People are typically very optimistic and open-minded people. They tend in this regard to be compassionate, persuasive, caring, strong and dependable. Being generally very emotional people, with considerably high emotional intelligence (AQ), they are usually charming and sensitive in dealing with other people. Influential People are natural leaders and visionary. They in this regard inspire people, and facilitate promotional relationships through their personal energy, charm and optimism. They also need to have around them, people who will honestly analyse the pros and cons for them to consider. This is because, due to their open-minded nature, they may sometimes need to be more objective in dealing with people and important issues
- Weak People
Weak People are the complete opposite of Dominant People. Weak People in this regard are usually very predictable in their overt and covert compliant nature, seeking to please others, even at their own expense because they don’t want to ‘offend anyone’. They are therefore usually easy-going and over-indulging simply because they hate conflicts. Weak People in this regard would hardly challenges the status quo. They like their comfort zones and don’t ever want to rock the boat, even if they have to suffer. This nature is often confused with the more positive characteristic of being gentle, patient or modest. Weak people, rather than being gentle, patient or modest are actually potentially hurting and hurtful people, who in time may become bitter and resentful when they regret their failure to be more assertive when and where they should have been.
- Sly People
Sly People are people who would hardly ever commit their heart and mind to doing what is beneficial to anyone other than themselves, but will always pretend to be caring and understanding in their dealings with other people. By their nature, Sly People are so vague, ambivalent, restrained and non-committal. Their mindset is to be fearful, insecure and never-trusting in any relationship. While this nature may be the result of previous bad experiences they may have had, their self-preserving, doubting, and excessive cautious nature makes them to be unreliable and inconsistent. They switch and swing moods very easily, hence are difficult to have long relationships with, usually because they are after quick gains and/or their own self interests.
Considering the fact that we all have to be in some sorts of relationships at different stages of life, career and endeavour, the best we can do is learn how to adapt to, and manage relationships, especially potentially beneficial relationships. In this regard, we must understand that, as individuals, we are all different, having differing personalities, perceptions, experiences, viewpoints and aspirations. It is in this regard be conscious of other peoples’ feelings, understand that our words and emotions could either promote or poison our relationships. A good way to approach every relationship is to seek to always take something positive out of the relationship, even if it is only the experience.
The Keys to Enjoyable Relationships
- Be at peace with yourself and develop positive self-esteem. People who are not happy with themselves and do not accept who they are can hardly stand seeing others happy. If you learn to accept and love yourself, you will love people.
- Deal with any form of insecurities and fears that you have regarding making commitment to a long lasting and mutually beneficial relationship. There is no fear in love, and perfect love casts out fear.
- Treat people the way you want to be treated, and treat people the way they would appreciate. Always respond rather than react. Overcome evil with good, and enhance good with better treatment.
- See every relationship that has potentials as a life-long partnership that should be nurtured to greater heights. The more beneficial relationships you nurture, the wealthier you actually become.
- Attempt to build more circles of relationships and avoid drawing lines of confrontations on the sands of life. The more people you have, the greater influence (power) you wield.
- Never ever attempt to use people for selfish gains or to climb up a ladder. The people who assist you to climb and are appropriately rewarded will always provide a soft landing if and when you fall.
- Look at people through the eyes of the Lord. Every one of us is unique and wonderful in God’s eyes, so we must emphasise the good and accommodate the bad in people. That’s the way of perfection.
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Dr Emmanuel Imevbore is an executive coach, management consultant and business strategist. He is the CEO of International Coaching and Mentoring Institute, a specialist coaching and coach-training Organisation. He can be reached by email: emmanuel@ic-mi.com; and WhatsApp: +27 79 259 1768.
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